The Cycling Sconnoisseur — Lanterne Rouge, part deux
A day of classic carbs, chronicles, companionship, mechanical corrections and comedic calling…
This week I followed up on my previously mentioned pledge to revisit my Tour of East Lothian pitstop café for a bit of ‘sitty down’ scone sustenance. A beautifully bright and crisp Saturday morning greeted me and my fellow Queens: superstar cyclist, resident historian, general inspiration and far too many other accolades and superlatives to mention Eve, pooch mum Eleanor, and engineer Eve, as we ventured out for a Saturday morning pootle around the pretty lanes and tracks of East Lothian. Plenty of ‘Es’ involved in this escapade of endurance, though thankfully no glow sticks, gurning jaws or Destroy tops on show today.
How many Queens…?
I wound my way along the coastline to Portobello, taking in the rousing sounds of the crashing Firth of Forth waves, captivating views of North Berwick Law and Bass Rock… and nostril-tickling odours of Seafield sewage works to collect Eleanor, before winding our way along the River Esk track to meet the other Es. Onwards to the Pencaitland railway trail, as we happily bumbled our way along… until an audible ‘pop’ permeated the sounds of tweeting birds and crunching gravel. Both Eves ground to an abrupt halt, though my expert cycling skills weren’t sharp enough for this interlude as I braked hard and skidded, before landing unceremoniously in the mud. Sleek moves Scotty. Engineer Eve’s retro steed had relieved itself of a functioning inner tube, leaving us to answer the question of ‘how many Queens does it take to fix a puncture?’ (answer, four). Oily fingers, dropped valve caps and a million apologies were a-plenty, but the team effort finally paid off and we were soon back on track.
The final furlong
We passed through the cute village of West Saltoun, and with a sense of sconeticipation, I recognised the ‘Le Tour’ surroundings as the final furlong to Gifford, home of the Lanterne Rouge café. A sight to behold with a snazzy range of bikes parked outside, I had no such time for the folly of locking my steed, selfishly skidding my way straight in, having spent the last 20 minutes ruminating the serious issue of a ‘scones sold out’ situation. Thankfully a basket of baked wonders winked at me from beneath their clothed comfort and all was good in the world.
The height of sophistication
Eleanor booked her place in the much-coveted ‘Sim’s perfect cycling partner’ team with an acquiesce to partake in that most sophisticated of culinary consumption; the ‘half and half’ scone. I therefore had the pleasure of a half fruit and half cheese scone, along with my customary extra-faffy, extra hot oat milk cappuccino, enjoying it all with some gusto, along with some great chat from the Quaggle. Both scones were delicious, tasting even better than my previous alfresco munch-fest.
Geeking out
Having some time to soak up the surroundings of the café was much-welcomed, with its impressive array of cycling paraphernalia, polaroids of regular patrons, and cool retro bike magazine wallpaper in the loos. I spotted a fab book — ‘Cycling’s 50 Craziest Stories’ — reckoning I could probably fill half the pages with some of my blundering tales, should there ever be a second edition.
Super-friendly waitress Jemma shared her secrets to the perfect bake — no raising agent and minimal handling — appreciating my enthusiastic support for the impressive work of her talented talons. Cycling regulars were a-plenty and Jemma knew them all by name — such a nice touch, and I hope we soon make it in to that hall of fame.
Let the lessons begin…
Back in the village, Historian Eve gave us our first lesson of the day, which included a recount of how it was named after the Giffard family in the 1700s. Steeds remounted and we headed on to Haddington for our next lesson. The town was once one of the largest and most important towns in Scotland, with the impressive St Mary’s Church marking the site of monarchic battles and bitter invasions. We’d hoped for a look inside, but the doors were firmly bolted — so one for another time. The historic wealth of the town seems to have continued, with some seriously grand dwellings marking their territory along the pretty riverbank and imposing high street.
The home straight… and a comedic encounter
Onwards to Longniddry station which marked the scene for another impromptu pitstop as Eleanor’s back wheel decided to retest the previously answered conundrum of puncture patching. Sadly my nithered digits were of no use this time and so I waffled my apologies and headed off for a solo sojourn home. Having learned my wayfinding lesson from the Audax I stuck to familiar routes, soaking up the sun and views of the shore en-route to Leith. I decided to drop by that ultimate venue of smug middle-class indulgence — the farmers market — and was hit by the dreaded first-world disaster of a deserted artisan bakery stall and its ‘all sold out’ sign. Woe is me! I delicately tended to my pantry panic and continued home, bumping in to ever-entertaining Queen Rebs with their super-cool new hairdo (yes, their coiffured locks did make it on to the hipster hairdresser’s Instagram gallery), equally funky whippet and greyhound, and a superbly-ironic Greggs hoodie. Keep a look out for this one as they embark on a new career in comedy — I honestly reckon everyone will know about them very soon.
All in all an enjoyable day of classic carbs, chronicles, companionship, mechanical corrections and comedic calling. How lucky am I?
Today’s verdict:
Ride — Perfect conditions, pretty route and history a-plenty with perky pals.
Scone — Yet again, ‘delicieux mon amis!’ And even better from a plate and in a pew. The sweet scone had just the right amount of fruit, with both having a lovely crumbly crust and super-soft middle. Superstar Eve thought the jam a ‘little light’; perhaps a robust blackcurrant might have tipped this, but I won’t let that spoil what was (in my view) a deliciously decadent dessert.
Ambience — Oui, oui, oui madame! Enough bike-based paraphernalia to keep even the geekiest cycling connoisseur amused (yes, even you Uncle Nobby). Great service — we all felt part of the Lanterne family. Merci!
